Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Druid Blasphemy - Malfurion's beard

I mentioned something the other day in passing, and shocked the other druids (granted, they were alliance) - because what I had said was a very un-druid statement.

I said I don't like Malfurion's beard, and he looks damn ugly.

Yes, I know Malfurion was the first Night Elf druid, a hero of the War of the Ancients, Shan-do the honoured instructor, and beloved husband of Tyrande Whisperwind, high Priestess of Elune, and the leader of all the druids of Azeroth.  One of the most powerful and respected characters in the Warcraft universe.

I didn't say I had a problem with that.  I have a problem with his BEARD.  It makes him look comical.  He's a deer chicken sporting a dwarf beard.


Forgive me if I like my Kaldorei clean shaven, or at least, not looking like a hobo who had been asleep for centuries in the Emerald Dream.  I guess the great Santa-like beard is to signify power, and wisdom, but you don't see his twin brother Illidan sporting that kind of facial hair.  Now Illidan, is sexy, before he became all demonic.  Why can't Malfurion look hawt like that?


We taurens have a different view of druids.  We were, according to our legends, the first druids taught by Cenarius.  Every baby druid that has come to see Hamuul Runetotem in Elder Rise, Thunderbluff, for training has seen the scrolls telling the old stories of the tauren, the Shu'halo, hanging in his tent.

from the scroll "Forestlords and the first Druids"
Hamuul Runetotem, being a student of Malfurion, will obviously be inferior, and in my opinion he is.  He seems old, and frail (as he's severely injured by Leyara in Mount Hyjal), as he seems reluctant to travel.  He is however, wise, fair and just, and the only Archdruid who is a Tauren - in fact the only non Night Elf in the higher echelons of the Cenarion Circle.  And he has a broken horn!


That's one of the reasons why I was so happy to kill Fandral Staghelm.  Even though he took up the mantle of Archdruid when Malfurion went for his nap, objected vehemently to the introduction of Tauren into the order.  It doesn't surprise me he went bad, it seems these days that a lot of these high ranking alliance heroes do.
Malfurion however, still seems sprightly and powerful - that's the whole long lived Kaldorei thing.  Back to his beard though... no self respecting tauren would sport a bush like that!  But perhaps it's my attitude that's all wrong - am I SUPPOSED to find the leader of my class, the greatest druid alive and in history, attractive?  I am supposed to look upon him as fatherly figure, right?  So then the beard should give an air of paternity... but father figures can be hot.  Look at Harrison Ford.

Well, no guesses as to who's drawn the short straw to play Father Winter this year.

But you know what? I think I've just coined myself a new cussing phrase.  "By Malfurion's BEARD!"

27 comments:

  1. It does seem that at lot of problems in the world were caused by the Alliance. Arthus was Alliance and we all now how bad he turned out to be.

    Ayelena

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  2. Hahahaha! I must admit, I'm not that keen on Mr Malfurion's beard, either.

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    1. I don't think Taurens like beards like that Kam :P

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  3. I hate it as well. I get having a few unique NPC looks is ok...but the choice here just doesn't seem a good one. The damn thing looks deeper than the Well of Eternity...

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    1. I have the same thing with Tyrande's voice - why is her accent different to every other Night Elf?

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  4. Another Druid that thinks Malfurion need a serious makeover, that beard is so awful. He needs a stylist.

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  5. Amen Navi...it's all ZZ Top and awful...howhowhow

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  6. And I don't think Tyrande is all that into it

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    1. I dunno, she still is pretty into him :)

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    2. I never see them kiss, and he's always telling her to hush...I think she and all of us should take Chris's idea and get that Druid to a makeover, stat!

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  7. As a fellow druid and a player of the noble Kaldorei race, I have to say I LOATHE Malfurion's beard. My male night elves all sport the clean-shaven look (even thought they inexplicably lack eyebrows without beards for some reason). And my beloved Tauren would never be seen sporting such unseemly facial hair! It would just get in the way of casting spells.

    Here's an idea! Let there be raids where we hold Malfurion down and forcibly shave that unsightly facial hair off of his face! Who's with me?

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    1. What a brilliant idea! My brain is ticking with tactics and strageies now :D

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  8. Forget the Siege of Orgrimmar -- Malfurion's beard should be the final raid boss of MoP!

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  9. In the US a few years back there was a TV show called Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Essentially, a guy's significant other (wife, girlfriend or kids) called up this show and said "my man is friggin' ugly. Help him out".
    And then in swooped a team of gay men to straighten up the straight man. Carson was the Fashion Savant and would dress him up. Jai was the Culture Vulture and would help him socialize. Thom was the Design Docor and would fix up the home. Kyan was the Grooming Guru and would de-funkify him. And Ted was the Food and Wine guy and would show him how to cook (before landing Chopped! on Food Network).

    One of the Ancients needs to nominate Malfurion; not only does he need to shave, he also needs to make over Teldrassil a bit (it's pretty Miami Vice 80s) and he could get out a bit more...

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    1. I think that a Nozdormu type beard would be just the thing!

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  10. The more I stare at it the more it looks like he's a deformed green moose. His eyes being the moose eyes, the curve of the beard being the moose's nose while those beads look like nostrils. I should probably go clean my glasses now.

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  11. I'd like to think Malfurion has been using his beard as a home for baby birds and squirrels that have been orphaned by Cataclysm. It's like Mary Poppins' bag so there's room for everyone! Maybe even some baby bunnies before they learn to burrow. :) If you peer deep into that beard ... cute overload.

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    1. Aww that's kind of cute!!! Now maybe if he went tree form and kept his beard that would be even more awesome for birds and squirrels, don't you think? :D

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    2. Yes! That way it's like a transition into their own tree when they're all grown up and leave the beard. I like it!

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    3. I forgot to say thank you for dropping by :) tis an honour!

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  12. So, let me get this straight... you have a problem with Malfurion's beard... but you don't have a problem with *the rest of him*?

    I mean... the whole "deer-chicken" thing doesn't do anything for you? it's the beard?

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    1. Well, let's just say I have difficulty seeing past his beard to appreciate the rest of him, BUT if I concentrate hard and no notice the beard, the next thing that stands out are those amazing shoulders and biceps and shiny tattoos. And I don't really want to look beyond that at the horns on his head or his clawed feet because then I'll be all ewww again. Oh... why did you make me look Achloryn! Ewwww!

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  13. OH MY GOSH, I'm using that phrase from now on. I love Malfurion. I don't mind his beard. I can see why you would, though.

    Doesn't matter. That's the newest best phrase ever.

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