"Oh, you can Navispam Grimtooth of "Grimtooth's Troops"!
"He doesn't read me though! He has no idea who I am!"
I know Grimtooth, and I have visited his blog a few times. The funny thing is, I have heard Grimtooth's voice more than I've read his blog - sound stalkerish? LOL, well it's not intentional!
My iPod shuffle has one TNB on it and it is Jasyla's one. I play it in the car all the time because I don't like listening to the radio, and I haven't updated my playlist for ages, and it just keeps cycling through songs and that podcast, since... oh months now. Might even be coming up to a year! And at the beginning of Jasyla's TNB, is Grimtooth saying "Hi this is Grimtooth of Grimtooth's troops and you're listening to the Twisted Nether Blogcast." Because he was on the week before Jas.
So. That's the background to that story.
Anyway, Grimmtooth followed me on Twitter after Zwingli said that and I had to go and spam his blog reading his last 20 or so posts, commenting on ones I could understand. I had to skip those glyph ones... too hard for my small tree brain.
Nymphy seemed happy for me to visit, so I also visited hers and Orvillus' blog D/E the tank! (I love WoW couple blogs. People need to have more of those) and was lucky because there was a new post the day I visited (and the last post was 3 months ago). Looking on the side bar, I realised that the baby crew that Angelya and Fannon are part of included here, so I was trying to figure out if there was a baby in there somewhere, as well as Cassandri (whom I just missed out on meeting yesterday when I went to Navispam Angelya). So, despite the fact that none of these people know who I am, I thought, we have a lot of friends in common, so they must be nice people. I will go visit them.
Now, if you look at my Navispam posts, every one of them so far is a reader of my blog, or has commented on my blog. That's because I get really excited by all my readers, and I am as much a fan of them as they are of me. I get starstruck by my readers and am so excited by them that I really want to go meet them in person and thank them.
People think that I am an exuberant, outgoing, friendly person, and yes, I do actively try to be that person. After all, one thing I am is enthusiastic and sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming. I thought, if someone was like that to me, how nice would I feel, how flattered! Maybe I can make others feel that way! So the enthusiasm does give me confidence sometimes. But I still always have that slight part of me, everytime I meet someone, the fear of ridicule and rejection, that makes me ashamed, want to go hide in a hole, and paranoid that everyone around me is laughing at me for being an idiot. Every time I go to a server to meet someone, I have that feeling of dread, but usually from the first tell I get from the person I have come to Navispam, I can tell if they are happy to see me. So far, everyone has been happy, but that's because everyone I've visited knows me. Aesadonna was the first person whom I visited who DIDN'T know me and that meeting went so well, my confidence was boosted even more.
So, I was at work, and I'd just settled down, and I thought I would go see if Grimmtooth was on. Luckily I have an alt on that server already, because there are a hell of a lot of bloggers on that server!
When I got on, none of the people I knew were on in that server, but when I did a /who of the guild (many of whom are quite famous!), there was only one person on. I recognised the name, because I follow them on Twitter.
Immediately, 3 mistakes are obvious here, when I look at it what happened:
- the person was in an instance. Now it wasn't an Hour of Twilight instance, or even a Zandom/, but just because I don't take those dungeons seriously, doesn't mean other people don't. I shouldn't have said anything or disturbed them.
- Just because I follow someone on twitter and they follow me doesn't mean they know who I am.
- I should have been a little more clear what I was doing instead of getting excited over meeting someone I recognised, which may have produced long messages which sound really silly.
I sent a tell saying "Hi X :)"
I got a DBM reply saying they were fighting the first boss. That's ok. I decided to go read Grimmtooth's latest post while I waited (I like how he does those little annotations at the end. I want to copy that). They probably didn't even see my whisper anyway - I often don't see whispers when I'm busy.X replied "Hi, can I help you? What do you want?"
Maybe I should have been a bit more concise and clear here. I said "I was looking for Nymphy or Grimm, I was hoping to Navispam them :) I'm Navimie from the Daily Frostwolf"
X replied "Never heard of it."
"Will you be out soon?" I asked.
"I'm doing taking serial dungeons atm."
I was just typing my reply "That's ok, if you see either of them can you let them know I was looking for them" when X said to me:
"I'm in an f*ing dungeon, you should know better than to whisper people when I'm trying to tank."
I immediately was contrite and cancelled the reply I was typing and tried to apologise but I was put on ignore. Well, I didn't mind that, but gosh, that was embarrassing. I know sometimes you don't want to be disturbed in a dungeon, and maybe the group was difficult and X was cranky. I totally understand that. I was so mortified and embarrassed and thought "Crap, I could have done that a lot better, whoops!" that I couldn't face the thought of being on that server any longer to level to get some coin to send a mail to Grimmtooth, so I logged and went back to my main.
2 of my RealID blog buddies were online, and greeted me as soon as I got on. I said to one of them (who happened to be on Twitter) "OMG, I just had my first BAD Navispam!"
"Oh?" they replied. "What happened?"
I relayed what had occurred and how embarrassing it was.
"Do you know what would be terrible," I said. "I would be mortified if they got on twitter and slagged me off for being an idiot. It was an honest mistake. Man I feel stupid."
My friend said "They DID talk about you on twitter!"
"What?" I said. "No way, really?"
"Oh, I'm going to tell them off!" my friend said.
"No, no please don't!" I said. "I made the mistake, I don't want it to be any bigger than it is. I'll just get on twitter and apologise."
So I get on to twitter and THIS is what I see:
Oh. My. GOD.
I was paralysed. Mortified. Beyond mortified. The fear I had of meeting strangers and worrying about them thinking I was an idiot was no longer a maybe. It was REAL. It was happening NOW. It was on a public forum with my name on it and EVERYONE is going to think what an IDIOT I am, and they will start agreeing and saying what a dumbass noob I was who had no idea about anything...
My eyes started to sting. Oh god, I'm at work. I cannot... I MUST NOT cry.
I took a breath and wrote my reply to them, apologetic, and hoping to reassure them it was all a misunderstanding.
I couldn't look anymore. I went back to WoW and spoke to my other dear blog friend, who isn't on Twitter and has no idea who these people are, and tell him of my shame. He reassured me that it didn't matter what other people said, that it was an honest mistake, and people who know me, who are my friends, will not think any differently of me. And that nobody should speak to me like that.
Now before anyone starts vilifying me or the person in question - stop. I don't want anyone to say anything to that person or about that person, because you don't know what they had been going through that day. Maybe they had a bad day. Maybe they read me and think I am really stupid anyway. Maybe, they have Aspergers, or they're sleep deprived and that caused them to act out of character. Whatever the reason, what's done is done and I don't believe in retribution, retaliation or trying to defend my point, when inside I know I wasn't trying to be malicious or bad. It was an honest mistake. And I already know my mistake, I have been thinking about it for the last 5 hours. Tears have been pricking my eyes everytime my mind turned back to it. When I got home, I sat down, opened up my blog, hit new post and let the tears flow, and yes, it maybe just a silly little thing, a GAME, but it mattered to ME. I am allowed to cry over my fear becoming a reality. And if I just let it out, it will go away, like every other bad thing I get upset about. And it has. I feel better now.
But other people would say that if that happened to them, they wouldn't have acted that way. Of course, I wouldn't have acted that way either, but I'm one of those people who gets excited when people chat to me, even if I'm in heroic Dragon Soul. And if I can't reply them then, I will reply them later. I don't lash out because what if that person was someone like I was, someone who was just trying to extend a little friendly hand, and I'm like the dog, and if I bite them, they will never extend that hand again. Besides, I would just tell them I was busy and they would understand, I'm sure.
Now I may be timid sometimes, I will always get over it and push through it, because one thing I do have is... ambition and dreams. I am still scared of meeting people but I WANT to do it, I have my goal, my project and this dream of mine will not be brought low by one bad encounter. My dreams are bigger than my fears. There will probably BE more bad encounters to come, just like that one.
There are still so many more people that I want to visit, to let them know how much I admire and appreciate them! And those that think I'm an idiot for being super friendly... well, know that I will never go where I am not wanted or invited.
So don't worry Grimmtooth and Nymphy. I'll be back. It takes more than a bite to keep Navimie away. And besides, to save my poor readers, I have Navispam posts scheduled for only once a day, so if you don't see yours up yet, it's because it's been scheduled to appear at a later date! :D
Phew. Thanks all for reading. I'm glad I got that out off my chest. And my apologies to all who are offended by my behaviour, it really was, an honest mistake. I won't make that mistake again.